How to let go of pain

This letter is a special one, I got DM’d by A LOT of people because of a tweet.

How does one reliably let go pain and heal in the fastest way possible?

This is a concept I learned from Aaron Doughy, a YouTuber who guided me through my heartbreak on the summer of 2022. Below will be all the lessons I learned from that heartbreak, specifically on how to heal it.

I was able to help a lot of people in my DMs, but I thought to myself why stop there, let’s make it a blog post, this way I can go more in depth and make sure that people will get the most out of my experience.

My heartbreak and how I came across these methods

Not only was I devastated during the heartbreak, my soul-lessness and inability to function was detected by my dad.

He tried to but didn’t know how to help, and one night he just couldn’t take it anymore. He burst into my room with his face red and full of tears.

I was 25 years old at the time and it was the first time I’ve ever seen him cry. And what he said to me struck me like lightning and I will never forget.

It wasn’t even an advice. In fact, it was so unexpected to me that I would’ve never thought he’d say that.

He said “Son, I’m so sorry, I’m the most useless father on the face of the planet. You’ve been there for me every time something catastrophic happens to me, yet here you are, obviously in distress and there’s nothing I can do.”

I love my dad dearly and just typing that sentence, and being reminded of that night again has brough a tear to my eye.

How could he ever think of himself like that, is that really how I make him feel? He’s my hero and he does not deserve to feel this way.

That’s when I realized something. I’m really not alone, and I was being selfish. I thought I was the only one affected by my emotions.

Now I know we all have different personalities, and that’s what I was thinking at the moment. I was in pain from getting over a girl, but that pain was a just spec of dust compared to the pain I got from when I saw my dad hurt like that.

I know some people will think that being in pain and healing yourself is not selfish. It really isn’t, but at that point I didn’t want to be in pain anymore, because me being in pain means my dad will also be in pain.

You might be thinking what is this guilt trip fuckery, but it worked, it got my gears grinding. My grief for the girl turned into anger, how did I allow some female to indirectly hurt my dad like that. No one on this planet is worth that much.

I vowed to myself that night I’d find a way to fix myself, and never let another female use me as a proxy to hurt my dad again.

Twisted thinking I know, she obviously wasn’t planning on hurting my dad. My point is that I had enough fuel to dive deep, deep into healing, and I was willing to try everything. Well everything spiritual anyways, I will not rely on substances.

That’s when I learned where pain comes from.

When you give something or someone meaning, you give them the power to hurt you.

Sounds cynical, but it’s true.

If you would refer back to my tweet on the top, you’ll agree with me.

What I learned from being really hurt last year over the summer is that everything that is capable of giving you emotional pain is because you've given them meaning.

To let of pain, you must let go of meaning. And the million dollar question is how do we let go of meaning?

To drastically reduce the timeframe of you being hurt is to learn how to let go of meanings on your own accord, without fully or solely relying on the passing of time itself.

The process of letting of the meaning is kind of hard to explain, but we've all already experienced it in some form.

For example, there may have been a toy, or doll, or blanket that we as kids were obsessing over with, I had a big hamster doll that I used to bring with me wherever I go when I was a child, and that hamster meant the world to me.

However, as time went by, the hamster doesn't really mean much to me anymore.

That was one of the ways that we let go of meaning and things. Time.

If you were to take the hamster away from me while it still meant something to me I would make me very sad, but that same hamster now doesn't really make me feel anything because the meaning of it has been let go.

Time is our ally when it comes to healing, but it doesn’t have to be the only thing at play here.

You have a lot more power than you think.

The 4 things I did to combat pain, heal, and let go.

1) Have someone there for you when you are feeling particularly vulnerable.

This is simultaneously the easiest and the hardest part of the 4 things. I was lucky enough to have someone there for me who actually cared. But just because you’re lucky and have someone doesn’t mean you should be spamming them for emotional support.

We can all sympathize with people in pain, but no to a point where it gets extremely annoying. It’s not the easiest thing to gauge if someone is annoyed of you because of all your negativities. I’m sorry if I sound harsh here but when you are hurt enough to pour your heart out and vent, almost nothing coming out of you will be positive.

You never know if they are there for you because they care for you, or if they’re just putting up with you. Just to be on the safe side, mention in the very beginning of your interaction that they should not feel the obligation to always respond in a timely manner, or respond at all.

Two things happen when you do that. First, they won’t feel like they’re being forced to cope with you, and second, you won’t feel like you’re bothering them too much because you know they can leave whenever they want, and they are there because they chose to be.

Be sincere and really mean it when you tell them that if at any point. things get too much for them they do not have to stay.

2) Heal your wound by confronting your wound.

You can’t treat a wound if you can’t see the wound. Trauma surgeons will stare intensely at injuries while treating them. It’s the same spirit you need to have to treat your heartache.

Unfortunately, the wound you get from a heartbreak is within you and only you can see it. You can get all the guidance in the world, but in the end, it will still have to be your own two hands to treat that cut.

Some people call the process “shadow work”, some people call it the “inner child”, it really doesn’t matter. What matters is that it worked, it helped me heal extremely fast and I am sure it will help you as well.

The process of the method is this:

Sit on the floor, close your eyes and start feeling where the pain is located. When you are in serious grief, it is not uncommon that there are physical manifestations.

During my heartbreak I can feel a lot of tension in my chest, and sometimes the tension moves to the stomach. When you can localize it, just breath, continue to feel it.

Here comes the abstract part.

Do not reject to pain, do not try to distract yourself from the pain, just feel the pain. As you are feeling the pain, imagine that you are a spectator, and treat the pain as if it’s a child crying. Give it a pat on the head, tell the kid “there there, let it out, it’ll be over soon, there there.”

Keep feeling it, keep letting it out, cry if you must, but don’t look away from it. Keep calming the storm in that child and take as much time as you need to start feeling calm again.

I’d go through this process over 5 times a days, and slowly over the days, the times that I feel the need to let it out like this start decreasing. On week 2, I was already able to go through most days without having to sit down and pet the child.

3) Be outside (Don’t overlook this step)

A generic advice, but it works. That’s why it’s generic in the first place. I’m sure you’ve heard a million times now that you need to be outside doing things when you’re heart broken. You don’t have to hear it from me.

What I want you to know is that I understand how it feels to have no strength or interest to be outside. You’d rather lock yourself in your room and mope in darkness. But trust me, go outside.

When a person is depressed, even brushing teeth is hard. I cringe when people say “Channel your energy and go exercise to forget about the pain!”

It is true that there is a time and place for that, but when you’re absolutely sluggish in the beginning phase of your heartbreak, you can barely keep yourself together led alone exercise?

But still. At least be outside. Just on your balcony, go to random park. Sit in your yard, go to the roof, anywhere. Be somewhere with air and natural light, and just sit. Just sit and listen to street, the sound of rustling leaves, the chatter of people passing by.

When you’re outside, just being there to be there and surrender yourself to let the environment take you over, you are briefly free from all responsibility of life. Even if it’s just for 5 mins. Those 5 precious minutes will the backbone of your healing process.

Imagine carrying 2 buckets of water up a hill. It is logical that when you need to rest, you not only stop walking, but you also put down the buckets to properly regain your strength.

Being outside just to sit and be surrendered to your environment is the same as putting all the heavy buckets down while you are trying to recover.

4) Separation meditation

This is what I learned from Aaron Doughy, the method is this:

Light a candle, put it 1 meter or a few feet away from you, and stare at the flame.

As you stare at the flame, just imagine, and feel a physical separation between your body and the flame.

What this does over time is that you somewhat shield yourself, you’re building an invisible barrier to things and your mind gets a little more used to being able to push unwanted things away.

Before learning the power of this mediation, anything and everything can get into my head. I have no barrier for myself, I didn’t get to choose what I let in and what I don’t. With this new tool in my arsenal I can finally somewhat ward off unwanted feelings and energies.

It’s not that easy to do. I urge you to try it out for yourself. It should be done consistently and over time you will start to get the hang of the feeling.

I didn’t have a candle at the time so I just picked any random object in my room instead and practiced that way. It’s a little less aesthetic to meditate on a sandal than a flame but it did the trick.

With this new skill, you are more equipped to start letting go of meaning in things that are giving you pain.

Conclusion:

1. Have someone to talk to.

2. Confront your own pain.

3. Be outside.

4. Practice separation meditation.

It’s a scary thing to let go of meaning. Imagine that a loved one has passed away, I would think that the last thing I want is to forget about them. I want to remember them forever in my heart. But what happens instead is that the remembrance and the meaning they have on you is simply too great for your soul to handle at the moment.

Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting. I promise you that you’ll still remember all the things that made a relationship meaningful to you even if the years pass. And when you are well, those memories that come up will make you smile instead of being in grief.

Protect and heal yourself during the initial phase of your heartbreaks. Life goes on and the past will be nothing but memories.

Thank you for reading this letter, if you enjoyed it please consider signing up for future letters by putting in your email into these forms that are popping up. And don’t forget to follow me on twitter for daily doses of inspiration at @kevinlee_hw